Navigating our emotions can often feel like a complex and confusing journey. We often experience multiple feelings at once, some of which seem to contradict each other. We often feel shame when we try to shut down "negative emotions", which is often futile and counterproductive. Allowing yourself and making space to feel all the feelings is a great form of self-compassion and self-care. This is where the "and/both" approach comes in, helping us understand that it's normal and healthy to hold seemingly conflicting emotions simultaneously.
What is the "And/Both" Approach?
The "and/both" approach is a concept comes from DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and rooted in the idea that our emotional experiences are not always black and white. Instead of seeing emotions as either/or (e.g., either happy or sad), the "and/both" approach encourages us to recognize that we can experience multiple, sometimes opposing, emotions at the same time. This perspective allows for a more nuanced understanding of our emotional landscape and promotes greater emotional flexibility. As a parent, I often experience love for my child, longing to be with them and at the same time stress, frustration and a desire to have freedom and free evenings. One might feel excited for an upcoming event and at the same time experience stress in packing and traveling. Being able to be compassionate to your own emotions as well as others is a sign of high emotional intelligence and is a trait of great leaders. You might feel frustrated toward another person's behavior and at the same time understand why they behaved that way. Both can be true at the same without forgoing your healthy boundaries.
Why All Emotions Are Okay
Emotions Are Natural: Every emotion we feel is a natural response to our experiences. Whether it's joy, sadness, anger, or fear, each emotion provides valuable information about our needs and environment.
Emotions Are Not Mutually Exclusive: It's possible to feel happy and sad simultaneously. For example, you might feel proud of a personal achievement while also feeling sad about a recent loss. Both emotions are valid and can coexist.
Embracing Complexity: Accepting that we can have complex emotional experiences helps us better understand ourselves and others. It allows us to see the full picture and avoid oversimplifying our feelings.
Reducing Shame: When we acknowledge and accept all our emotions, we reduce the shame and guilt often associated with feeling "negative" emotions. This acceptance fosters self-compassion and emotional resilience.
How to Practice the "And/Both" Approach
Acknowledge Your Emotions: Take time to identify and name your emotions without judgment. Recognize that it's okay to feel more than one emotion at the same time.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself as you navigate your emotional landscape. Understand that experiencing conflicting emotions is a normal part of being human.
Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices to stay present with your emotions. Mindfulness can help you observe your feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them.
Journaling: Write about your emotions to gain clarity. Journaling can help you explore how different emotions coexist and how they relate to your experiences.
Seek Support: Schedule an appointment with a counselor here to work on coping skills and process through your emotions. Speak with a trusted friend, family member, or colleague about your feelings. Sharing your emotions can provide validation and help you process them more effectively. Therapy can support you through the process of feelings and better emotional regulation.
Conclusion
The "and/both" approach to emotions encourages us to embrace the full spectrum of our emotional experiences. Just like a great meal, there is complexity in life emotions. Some salt, fat, acid and heat to make it great meal just as a mixture of emotions make a great life. By understanding that it's okay to feel multiple, sometimes conflicting, emotions at once, we can foster greater self-awareness and emotional well-being. Remember, all emotions are valid, and accepting them is a vital step toward mental health and personal growth.
Lowther Counseling Services, www.LowtherCS.com, 2024
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