What is the Window of Tolerance?
The Window of Tolerance, a concept coined by Dr. Daniel Siegel, refers to the zone in which you can function optimally and manage stress effectively. When inside this window, you feel more balanced, focused, and in control. If stress or trauma pushes you beyond this window, you may experience overwhelm (hyperarousal) or shut down (hypoarousal). The goal of mental health counseling and trauma treatment, such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is to expand your Window of Tolerance, making it as wide and resilient as a large, picturesque window, allowing you to handle more of life's challenges without overwhelming your stress response.When you have a bigger window you are able to handle challenges and stress without shutting down (freeze) or going into anger and anxiety (fight or flight).
Step 1: Self-Assessment – Window of Tolerance Check-in
Ask yourself: On a scale of 0-10, where am I right now? (0-10 means you are within your window of tolerance. 10 is the most distressing and 0 is neutral.
Make a list of what is contributing to your stress.
What can help me stay in my window? What activities, tools, life activities or support can help bring my number down and at a good baseline?
Step 2: Evaluating Stress Impact of Tasks
Identify upcoming tasks and estimate how much stress they will add.
Ask: “How much will [task] raise my stress level?” Give it a number from 0-10.
Ask: "Who is responsible for the completion this task and are all parties currently involved in the conversation and plan?" Is it your responsibility, theirs or our responsibility?
Ask: "Does it need to be done right now, can it be modified, delegated and/or can it be scheduled for a better time/day?"
If it needs to be done now, assess if the task pushes stress over a 10, explore ways to downregulate (bring down your stress) first or delay/reduce/schedule the stress load.
Step 3: Creating a Counterbalance
If a task adds stress, add a counterbalancing activity to create a net neutral number.
Example: “If cleaning adds +3 stress, what can I do (-3) to bring me back down to keep it at a net neutral?” (e.g., deep breathing, music, a podcast, your friend or partner support, movement or exercise, nature, solitude, or connection).
Step 4: Scheduling and Structuring Stressful Tasks Intentionally
Assign a date/time for stress-impact tasks rather than doing them impulsively.
Create a supportive environment:
Solitude: Quiet, uninterrupted time.
Share Appropriate Responsibility: For household tasks and invisible/visible labor related to the family- all members have a role and responsibility. A partner does not "help" and you aren't "helping" with shared household responsibilities. As a partner there needs to be appreciation toward one another and language that encouraged shared responsibility as a norm.
Support: Ask a partner, friend, or accountability buddy for help.
Outsource and Resource: Is there a video or book I can read to help with the activity. Can we streamline things when there's higher stress such as easy meals, paper plates, ways to reduce decisions and time? Can I utilize a professional cleaner, organizer, financial expert, social worker, extended day at school, tutor, counselor, etc. that is skilled in this area to ease my stress and/or give me or us back time?
Example: "I’ll do [task] on [day] at [time] after a grounding activity." "This activity has already taken 20 hours of mental labor and nothing is being done. I'm going to pay for 1 hour of this specialized persons time to better understand, plan, support or to have them complete this task and give myself time that future time back.
Step 5: Reflection & Adjustment
After completing a task, reassess your number and see if additional regulation is needed.
Adjust, analyze and notate strategies based on what worked and what didn't help.
Conclusion:
By following this structured approach, you can work on understanding and staying within your window of tolerance, reduce the likelihood of overwhelm, and work on creating a balanced, behavioral approach to managing stress more effectively. In relationships, it is also important to look at fair and equitable division of labor, healthy boundaries, appropriate responsibility and healthy partnership. A few book suggestions will be listed below.
Benefits of Working with a Licensed Counselor:
Working with a licensed counselor individually or as a couple is also a great way to understand physical, emotional and mental reaction to stress, attachment styles, increase healthier coping skills and work toward healing and stress reduction as well as the ability to navigate life challenges more effectively. To learn more, reach out to Tiffany Lowther, EMDR and Perinatal Mental Health certified therapist to learn more and schedule.
Additional Books for Improving Division of Responsibilities in the Home:
Additional Resources to assess your stress level:
Perceived Stress Scale (PSS) by Bemindful website
Lowther Counseling Services, www.LowtherCS.com, 2025
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